I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
