I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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