I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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