Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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