NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize