You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
