Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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