Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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