i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
