At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
