So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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