This dress was meant to end up on your floor
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
