I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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