I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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