the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
