No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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