I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
