Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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