Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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