Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
