mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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