ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
