I wish I could teleport
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
These tits shall not be calmed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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