I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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