I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
