Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
