I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize