y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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