I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
