I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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