He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Randomize
