I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
