we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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