Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Randomize
