Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
