Sponge bath it is.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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