i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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