a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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