i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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