thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
