It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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