this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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