he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
