I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
