Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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