you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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