I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
