Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
