He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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