booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
