i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize