Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
