how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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