The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
