just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
