How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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