im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
