R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
