I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
