I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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