Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
