1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
