Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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